leading or following September 9, 2009

In this age of technology, I have learned that, while nothing can replace face to face contact with a potential date, there is a huge amount of contact that you can make without actual seeing them. Texting, Facebook, im-ing, and email are all forms of communication where you don’t actual have to see that person. I have always felt that the internet gives you a certain sense of anonimoty and along with that, courage and confidence. You can be anybody for all they know. So you’re free to flirt and push subtly push boundaries that maybe you wouldn’t have before. But as you get to know the other person through all these different mediums, you either begin to like the person or are developing a relationship that maybe you don’t want to actually have. At one point does innocent flirting become leading someone on? Is it that moment when you realize that you’re not attracted to that person? But then where does keeping an open mind with someone fall in the scheme of non-personal communication?

I find that it’s a very sketchy line. In my case, I have a pretty open mind, which you could tell if you took a look at my last several relationships. And I’m also a terrible flirt because I like to tease and have fun. But there’s a part of me that bases a lot on looks. My biggest dilemma falls in matching looks up with personality. I have a hard time accepting a poor personality for great looks. On the other hand, I sometimes let looks slide a bit when I find someone who really makes me laugh and intrigues me. The problem comes when I don’t see myself with them because of the physical aspect but I really still want to talk because I love their personality. I’m constantly struggling with the idea that I might be leading them on but still wanting to get to know them because I enjoy talking to them. I’ve kind of put it at it’s leading on after you actually meet face to face and realize the chemistry’s not there but still pursue the relationship. It’s still a fine line to tread and I’ve found caution is the best in all situations.

sunny strip of road September 2, 2009

Driving in my car today, I hit this stretch of road where the sun hitting it looked golden, the wind was cool through the open window and I felt for a moment that I could just keep driving and run away. I don’t have a life I want to run away from; it’s actually quite the opposite, I really like where my life is right now. But there are those moments when I’m on the road and think, this could be it, I could just keep going. I could get on any highway, any road headed away from home.

Where would I go? I don’t even have a concrete destination in mind. I would probably head west into the lands in the middle of the country that I haven’t ever seen. It would be daunting and exciting, exhilirating and free. I would turn the radio way up and sing along like no one’s watching (though that’s how I sing when I’m in the car anyway). Would I stay in motels or sleep in my car? I do have enough money right now in my bank account that I could go for a little bit before it’s all gone. It’s always been a fantasy of mine just to strike out and make it. Imagine all the things I would see. My responsible self has always held me back thinking about the brake situation on my car, having a job, having a real life with all of these responsibilities.

But sometimes when I hit that really sunny patch of road and the day seems just right, a million different possibilities open up. It puts a smile on my face and makes me think that I am free, even if I don’t hit the road and head west, north, or south or any place in the world other than home.

writing project #1 August 30, 2009

I’ve begun some tiny writing projects, little attempts to get the creative juices flowing. The first one here is collecting the first lines of some books I have on my desk. I have an obsession with the first line, getting it just right so that it captures my audience and keeps them reading. But really what makes a first line good or bad? It’s hard to tell because they all really try something different but seem equally successful. Here are some of the ones I’ve collected so far:

“Her body moved with the frankness that comes from solitary habits.” Prodigal Summer, Barbara Kingsolver

“When Pearl Tull was dying, a funny thought occurred to her.” Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant, Anne Tyler

“Tonight, the hay in the fields is already brittle with frost, especially to the west of Fox Hill, where the pastures shine like stars.” Here on Earth, Alice Hoffman

“The light hadn’t even officially turned green at the intersection of 17th and Broadway before an army of overconfident yellow cabs roared past the tiny deathtrap I was attempting to navigate around the city streets.” The Devil Wears Prada, Lauren Weisberger

“Only three people were left under the red and white awning of the grease joint: Grady, me, and the fry cook.” Water for Elephants, Sara Gruen

“Clare: It’s hard being left behind.” The Time Traveler’s Wife, Audrey Niffenegger

“I should have known that summer of 1961 was gonna be the biggest of our lives.” The Book of Bright Ideas, Sandra Kring

“Howard Roark laughed.” The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand

“Whenever my mother talks to me, she begins the conversation as if we were already in the middle of an argument.” The Kitchen God’s Wife, Amy Tan

“At night I would lie in bed and watch the show, how bees squeezed through the cracks of my bedroom wall and flew circles around the room, making that propeller sound, a high-pitched zzzzz that hummed along my skin.” The Secret Life of Bees, Sue Monk Kidd

“Marguerite didn’t know where to start.” The Love Season, Elin Hilderbrand

to read, not to read August 23, 2009

I’ve read a lot of books this summer ranging from memoirs to psychology books. I used to have a certain style when I read: I didn’t like books about guys unless it was a classic, I wanted the main character not to be middle-aged and/or divorced, and I hated anything that wasn’t immediately a stunner. I’m pretty good at discerning whether a book will hold my attention for more than a chapter, I’ve been able to broaden my reading style quite a bit this summer. This is why I’ve developed my short list of “To Read” and “Not to Read” of the books I’ve read thus far.

To Read:

• My Life in France by Julia Child: Child’s memoirs beginning from her first day in France and continuing through her years in television, though her main focus is on her favorite city, Paris. I read this book in anticipation of the film Julie & Julia but I was not disappointed. It was as much about Julia Child as having the intrepid spirit to really do what you love and to do it well. An interest in cooking and in France is not necessary but helps spur you onward quite a bit. It made me want to run away to Paris and enroll in Le Cordon Bleu.
• The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell: I’m not sure how to categorize this book exactly though if pressed I would say it’s a book with a unique view of the business world. It gives the theory of “tipping,” when an idea goes from obscurity into widespread popularity. My interest in marketing gave me a perspective with which to look at each situation he described. Gladwell incorporates a lot of behind-the-scenes looks into how something becomes an epidemic and is amazing at breaking it down and applying these cases to his theory. It’s really a must read to change your outlook on the world.
• The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger: this was another one I read in anticipation of the movie. Though I haven’t been to see the film, I found the book to beautifully written and a film not even necessary to illustrate this unique love story. The story focuses around Henry DeTamble who suffers from a disorder that causes unpredictable time travel. On one of his journeys, he meets the love of his life Claire. The story is complex and you really have to stay on your toes when reading it but it was worth it. The greatest lesson for me was that no love is perfect but you can have a wonderful love if you just try.

Not to Read:

• Here on Earth by Alice Hoffman: Though it’s certain that Hoffman’s a great writer with the lyrical prose of the book, it was one of the most depressing texts I have read in a long while. The back of the book says something about a “dark love” but you really don’t understand the darkness of the book until you get halfway through. I forced myself to finish it so I could start my next book. It’s not something I recommend; maybe pick up Hoffman’s bestselling Practical Magic instead.
• Love the One You’re With by Emily Giffin: This is a chick lit book but one with a lot of weird twists. The ending was what ruined it for me and the character development seems slighted. I wouldn’t say it was a waste and that I was desperate to finish it but Giffin’s other books have been better.

dreams of decor August 5, 2009

People dream of all sorts of weird things, mostly things that don’t make sense. Once I had a dream I had twins; how terrifying is that? But recently, more and more, I am having dreams about decorating. White rooms with French doors and shiny mirrors, dark bedrooms with heavy gold curtains, white tiled kitchens with robin’s egg blue cabinets: I have dreamed of them all. Most of it has to do with the fact that I am in nesting mode, carefully settling into the life I have right now. I am domestic, a housebody, I love the idea of a cute and comfy home. Wanting to organize, decorate, and settle is part of my nature.

I cannot wait until I have my own place to decorate and settle in. Though that’s at least a year away, I can’t help but anticipate the ways I will decorate a small apartment. I’ve started collecting little things to add to a place when I finally get one. Just this weekend, I picked up four pink bubble glass goblets from Anthropologie. There were only four which is not perfect but they were only $4 and can be cute and fun everyday glasses or the perfect touch for a small dinner party. I also inherited a pale blue cracked paint sideboard that could either be a side table in a room (like I used it in my college apartment) or, as I once envisioned it, a desk. Slowly and surely I am building up fun things to add spice to my place when I eventually have one. And one day when I have a house, watch out!

making the best July 23, 2009

The greatest lesson I’ve learned so far this summer is making the best of your current situation. It’s made me a lot more relaxed and happier because I’ve finally realized there are so many things that are out of my control. When I was trying to get my dream job right out of college and move to a new city and find a new and better boyfriend, essentially create my dream life right then and there, I was going crazy and getting crazy depressed because my life wasn’t happening at all the way I had imagined it. I can’t control the crappy economy and I can’t force myself into a better, loving relationship in a month, things like that just happen. I have learned that you need to be happy with what you have right now, though to not be complacent. There is always room in your life for goals and dreams but you also have to be able to make yourself happy with what you have when life is out of your control. Otherwise life is going to be miserable for you, even when you get everything you want. And on that note, I’ll give you my tips for making life a lot more enjoyable when you’re in a place you never thought you’d be:

• Don’t stress about your life goals. They’re “life” goals for a reason; they don’t have to happen right away. Eventually you’ll get married, eventually you’ll work in marketing, eventually you’ll move to San Diego. Right now you can take positive steps in that direction. Example: I want to go to grad school for art history and it requires being fluent in a language. I am going to audit classes at a university to brush up on my French since I actually have time to do it.
• Find something about your new, maybe-not-what-you-expected/wanted job that inspires you. This may be a difficult task if you’re stuck doing a boring office job but try to find something about it that you really enjoy. Maybe fool around with the new version of Word to figure out how to create cool reports or try to make an even more efficient filing system at work than the one they have. It always looks good at any job to try to do your best; remember you might need a recommendation later on. For me, it’s been tackling the challenge of creating an activity program for our residents suffering from Alzheimer’s and dementia. I want to make a difference in people’s lives and here I am doing it in a way I never thought I would.
• Make new fun. Especially coming out of college where fun could be right down the hall, being out of college is a little bit more difficult in that department. Be creative and make fun in unexpected ways; explore where you are and find out what’s going on. Don’t be afraid to go by yourself, nobody’s paying attention to that except for maybe the cute guy across the way. And fun can even be as easy as dancing around your room to new music just bought off iTunes.
• Everything happens for a reason. This phrase used to annoy me to no end because you can’t always see why certain things happen. But eventually you will, I promise, and it can be good or bad but it happens to make you, you. Things don’t work out, things change to give you the opportunity to have even better experiences and relationships than you ever imagined. You’ve just got to have faith, forever and always.

Life is truly what you make of it. If you can make the best of it, life is going to be the best. It’s that simple.

improvement July 8, 2009

Improvement is sometimes seen as a dirty word. Because if you need to improve then you’re imperfect and who wants to be imperfect? But improvement can be exhilarating and challenge you to never be boring. I am constantly working on improving myself and discovering how interesting I can be and become. Making promises to improve and to actual work at improving yourself are two different things though. There have been plenty of times when I have told myself I am going to do this, this, and this and have done none of this. Success at being a better person can only be achieved through lots of hardwork. I am proud to say at this very important turning point in my life, I am actually actively pursuing goals I have set for improvement.

These goals may change but right now this is what I am working on. First I am going to use my 20s to help people. I believe that I am doing that with my current job, doing my best to make each day fun for seniors, but I want to do more. I am going to try to find a volunteer program in the area that I would like to devote a good deal of my time to. Second I have been evaluating my past romantic relationships in my overly analytical and organized manner. I do not have any need at this stage in my life, when things are so unstable, to begin something. But at least I’m prepared. And third, I am reading books that are extremely interesting and are teaching me things. I love to read but during the summer I tend to gravitate more towards chick lit because I spent the past school semester taking in way too much information. But now I am not going back to school in the fall so I decided to pursue books that are going to keep teaching me new things. I also want to read books that change my view of the world. Right now I’m reading Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point but there are many more to come. That’s just what I’m working on right now but I’m sure there are more improvement goals to come.

first comes marriage June 23, 2009

Why is everone getting married? Okay so not everyone is getting married but it sure feels like that. Within the past two months I have heard of three couples I know getting engaged, girls I haven’t seen in forever announce that they are going to get engaged soon, and then there are all the weddings. It’s June, wedding season, made obvious by “Wedding Crashers,” so I guess I should expect it. And it’s not that I have anything against marriage or weddings. In fact the real kicker is I would love to plan a wedding. Really, I love planning events, I love shopping, and I love fashion and coordination, all essential parts of a wedding. No, I am not one of those crazy girls who knows exactly what they want for their wedding and they’re just looking for the man to complete the picture. I would love to plan your wedding if you’re getting married; I can most certainly wait for my own.

No is this what I can expect as I get further into my 20s? I was looking forward to celebrating my friends’ graduations from graduate and law schools so I never thought about marriages. Quite honestly, at 22 years old, I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with another person. I am not ready for that level of commitment. I don’t even know what kind of career I want to pursue or even what outfit I’m going to wear in the morning to work. I also wonder, seeing as I work with the elderly, if girls my age are really thinking that you are most likely going to spend 50 or more years with this one person, forgoing all the fun of youth in favor of picking out paint for the living room and the possibility of a baby carriage (though at least they are getting married before the baby carriage, something some girls seem to have problems with nowadays). Sure, I would asolutely love to be in a loving, committed relationship with an amazing guy but since I’m not, I’m not going to miss out on all the fun of meeting cute, silly, funny guys in all sorts of places. Plus I look better after my last break up than I have in the past four years of college. I am not going to waste having a hot body that I didn’t even work for.

m-i-s-s-issippi June 4, 2009

I am living up to my promise to post two entries today. Not that anyone cares if I write anything but still, I thought I might work on my follow-through. The trick though is figuring out what I want to say.

When do you stop missing someone? This is the thought that’s been going through my head for the past week. When do you finally give up and let go of that person? I hate doing that, no matter who the person is and the reason we aren’t talking. When I make friends, I don’t want to lose them. People do drift apart because of changes, moving for jobs, leaving for school, changing personalities, any number of reasons. I have lost friends because of all of those things but I never really forget that person completely; I have a good memory. Sometimes I regret losing that person and when it happens now, it’s really unforgivable simply given the amount of technology that can connect people to one another. With those people I get closest to, those are the people I never want to lose and it hurts me when I do, for some reason or another.

This leads me around to guys, who are either the toughest or easiest to let go. I always have a hard time with break-ups because I can’t just forget all the reasons that person is wonderful. Wow, I really am naive and trusting. But there are some of them who I’ve had a few months, sometimes only weeks and then I realize that it’s okay, they aren’t meant for me. It’s not like I let go, it’s more like a peace. But then there are some of them that I wish I could still talk to. Those are the guys that above everything else were my friends. And I am terrible at letting go of friends, as I’ve already explained.

I wish I knew when you stopped missing someone, as if there were a timetable for this kind of thing. Because I know what’s right, don’t want to do it, but I’m doing it anyway. I wish I could fix everything. Maybe if I let go of that need to fix it, to make it right, that’s when the missing stops. I need it to soon because it’s taking up too much space in my heart.

grad May 14, 2009

There is this amazing high on graduation day. You get the oh wow I really did it feeling and you are the center of attention because you did it. Thousands of pages of paper, millions of notes, and countless hours of lost sleep and you receive the recognition for all of it on one amazing day. And then slowly it begins to fade because well, this is the real world now and you just left behind the best time of your life. I have not even been a graduate for a week now and I’m ready to go back. Anything, papers, tests, terrible roommates, anything to keep me from facing the cruel realities of a job search in a recession.

I am not the girl to give up though. There has got to be a job for me somewhere, anywhere in this country that I can start my life with. I have given up having the perfect dream job for right now, that’s just not a reality. I just have to be creative (my new theme in life) and keep at it. Someone is going to want to hire a smart and pretty new graduate willing to work for next to nothing for a demanding job. At least this is my hope…