can’t go back June 28, 2009

I’ll admit it, sometimes I miss the love that I used to have, even if I know now that it wasn’t good love. But there are those moments, those perfect moments that you just can’t forget and makes you miss that love. I thought that I was going to come out the other side of breaking up and be cautious of being that happy again. But if anything I feel more hopeful that I can find someone to share my happiness and love me again. And so in my state of optimism I will grace you with some country song lyrics that made me think of old love.

“The summer air was heavy and sweet/ You and I on a crowded street/ There was music everywhere, I can see us there/ In a happy little foreign town/ Where the stars hung upside down/ A half a world away, far, far away/ I remember you were laughing/ We were so in love, we were so in love/ And the band played songs we had never heard/ But we danced anyway…

They say you can’t go back/ Baby, I don’t believe that/ Come along with me, come dance with me/ Maybe if I hold you close/ Baby, we could just let go/ Of those things that tie us down, we’ll come back around/ Do you remember, we were laughing/ We were so in love, so in love…” -We Danced Anyway, Deanna Carter

“When all our tears have reached the sea/ Part of you will live in me/ Way down deep inside my heart…

You’ll find better love/ Strong as it ever was/ Deep as the river runs/ Warm as the morning sun/ Please remember me…

Remember me when you’re out walking/ When the snow falls high outside your door/ Late at night when you’re not sleeping/ And moonlight falls across your floor/ When I can’t hurt you anymore…” -Please Remember Me, Tim McGraw

“Do I recall, every day/ How you took my breath away?/ Do I remember loving you?/ Yes I do…

Yes I do dream of all we had together/ Yes it’s true we lost it forever/ And do I pray anyway?/ Yes I do…

I don’t live in the past/ Wanting love that wouldn’t last/ I don’t ache like I used to…” -Yes I Do, Rascal Flatts

i see london, i see france June 26, 2009

For the first eleven or twelve years of my life, I wasn’t very concerned with what I put on. This would come as a shock to most people that know me now as the shopaholic who makes sure she looks good on her way to drop off the dvd at the movie store. Seriously, I have an outfit, a cute outfit, for anything. For the past twenty-one years of my life, I have been wholly unconcerned with what I put on under those clothes, even as I obsessed over every piece the public could see. I’m talking about my lingerie, those sometimes forgotten but always present pieces.

I’m a big advocate for comfort. When my girl friends succumbed to thongs with their jeans during that whole craze, I just lifted my eyebrows. A pair of bikinis would work just fine for me. I carried that attitude with me to college. Really if someone actually got my pants off then they were probably more concerned with other things than what style of underwear I was wearing. That’s not to say I was wearing raggedy old granny panties out to college parties but I wasn’t splurging on what I saw during Victoria’s Secret’s annual runway show. But a latent interest in lingerie has recently woken itself up and has me considering my drawer full of boyshorts and bikinis (with an ocassional exciting pair thrown in, I’m not totally boring). I almost forgot about my functional bras with the most exciting being my favorite Calvin Klein front clasp black push-up. That’s about as fancy as I get in that department. And let’s not talk about matching.

I considered my lingerie the other day when I paired one of my black push-up pairs with what can basically be described as Victoria Secret Pink’s version of granny panties, only cuter. During my last relationship, I never felt he was really concerned with what I was wearing when he got my clothes off. We did go lingerie shopping together but he had a whole lot of fun picking out cute cotton bikinis and boyshorts that I was perfectly comfortable with. The bras were never even mentioned because of their insignificance in the whole bedroom scheme. But now I’m considering those silky, sexy pieces that I never thought of before.

I’m not doing it thinking that when I get with some guy the first thing I want him to see is a matching set. It’s for me; I want to know I have cute underthings on because I know that when I do, I’ll feel even more sexy and confident. I want to go from utilitarian to fun and flirty; it’s even more exciting because it’s somewhere most  people don’t even get to see. The best changes you make are ones you make for a better you and this is what updating my lingerie collection will do for me. Now I wish I could buy the beautiful pale pink demi bra I saw at Bendel’s for $90 but that will just have to wait for another, richer, day.

june 25th June 26, 2009

It’s Thursday again and I decided to write down all the things that make me happy about my life:

• Engagement celebration! Yes, one of my best friends’ boyfriend took the plunge and proposed. Tomorrow is girls’ night out to celebrate and check out the rock. I am so happy for them and it makes me smile to see my wonderful and deserving friend find the man of her dreams.
• My hair- I seriously have a love affair with my hair and am usually super happy about it. But this week it has looked fantastic even when I have abused it by only half blowdrying it before running off to work. Now I just have to work on it being boringly straight.
• Making friends with tough residents at work- when you get old, you sometimes get cranky. So when you work with the elderly, you can find yourself the recipient of grouchy antics. But I used my powers of persuasion and charm to win over one of these cranks and actually hung out with her…as much as you can hang out with the over eighty crowd.
• Finding good quotes for my inspiration journal- about a month ago, I started to find all these quotes that helped me deal with no exactly ending up where I thought I was going to be post-grad. I keep a journal so I used to scribble them in there but periodically I take all the pages out of my journal to clear my thoughts. I wanted a place to keep these quotes so I could find inspiration easily and that’s how my green leather inspiration journal was born (btw I should also be thankful for my hyper organization). And lately I have been finding really awesome meaningful quotes to make me thankful for my life.
• Pandora-  most people know about what is basically an internet radio called Pandora. I’ve used it off and on for awhile when I get tired of my iTunes. This week I’ve been using it and discovered some great songs, including the song I’m now obsessed with “Cowboy Take Me Away” by the Dixie Chicks.
• Being optimistic about job searching once again- this week I plunged back into finding my dream job, or at least a first job that’s got benefits and all that jazz. And by a wonderful stroke of luck, I found a job that is somewhere I would absolutely love to move. I’m not going to say what or where it is so as not to jinx it but let’s just say it’s making me smile!

“Too many hearts have been broken/ Failing to trust what they feel/ But trust isn’t something that’s spoken/ And love’s never wrong when it’s real.” – “Believe in Me,” Dan Fogelberg

first comes marriage June 23, 2009

Why is everone getting married? Okay so not everyone is getting married but it sure feels like that. Within the past two months I have heard of three couples I know getting engaged, girls I haven’t seen in forever announce that they are going to get engaged soon, and then there are all the weddings. It’s June, wedding season, made obvious by “Wedding Crashers,” so I guess I should expect it. And it’s not that I have anything against marriage or weddings. In fact the real kicker is I would love to plan a wedding. Really, I love planning events, I love shopping, and I love fashion and coordination, all essential parts of a wedding. No, I am not one of those crazy girls who knows exactly what they want for their wedding and they’re just looking for the man to complete the picture. I would love to plan your wedding if you’re getting married; I can most certainly wait for my own.

No is this what I can expect as I get further into my 20s? I was looking forward to celebrating my friends’ graduations from graduate and law schools so I never thought about marriages. Quite honestly, at 22 years old, I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with another person. I am not ready for that level of commitment. I don’t even know what kind of career I want to pursue or even what outfit I’m going to wear in the morning to work. I also wonder, seeing as I work with the elderly, if girls my age are really thinking that you are most likely going to spend 50 or more years with this one person, forgoing all the fun of youth in favor of picking out paint for the living room and the possibility of a baby carriage (though at least they are getting married before the baby carriage, something some girls seem to have problems with nowadays). Sure, I would asolutely love to be in a loving, committed relationship with an amazing guy but since I’m not, I’m not going to miss out on all the fun of meeting cute, silly, funny guys in all sorts of places. Plus I look better after my last break up than I have in the past four years of college. I am not going to waste having a hot body that I didn’t even work for.

good things June 12, 2009

Now I know I posted yesterday about the things I was happy about. Compared today I feel like yesterday I barely counted my blessings. This week has been good, amazingly and wonderfully good. Like the world decided to turn right around and give me another chance at having fun. It’s no joke that this past month has been very difficult and I’ve felt less than 100 percent since I came home from school. But then this week, my birthday week, happened and things have changed:

I don’t feel so heartbroken anymore; I am ready to be grateful for the time we had together and more than grateful for the opportunity to meet someone else.

I realize that I am blessed with a family that loves me, especially my Mom. She has done so much for me this past month, supporting me emotionally and by letting me live at home. I am truly lucky.

I have the most amazing friends and thank you to Facebook for reminding me of that. Then of course there was last night; there is nothing better than going crazy with girls who have known you for almost a decade. And singing Livin’ on a Prayer certainly caps it all off. I had forgotten how a family can grow out of anything and be just as good as your biological one.

Finally I found out how lucky I am to be me. Because I work hard and try to be the best me I can be, I believe I have always made a good impression everywhere I go. It was proven to me today when I got rehired by the assisted living facility that I worked at two summers ago. Now I am not only employed but happily employed at a place where I have friends and I know I will have fun.

I have learned that life can be rough and it can feel like the world is working against you. But patience (not my favorite virtue) is needed and if you believe that you have worked hard and been a good person, good things will happen. And even if you think the world is against you, you always have your friends and family. I wish I had known all of this last week but I guess you have to learn the lesson first.

june 11th June 11, 2009

Every Thursday Gala Darling over at iCiNG does “Things I Love Thursday” to talk about all the things she appreciates and loves about her life. Well, since I can’t think of anything else to post that’s what I’m going to do, be a terrible copycat and post my list of things I love today. Plus I have been very negative lately about life when, honestly, I have nothing to complain about.

1. Mandy Moore’s new single “I Could Break Your Heart Any Day of the Week”- I didn’t know Mandy Moore still did music when I found this song on iTunes. It is so poppy and reminds me of middle school. Perfect for dancing around my room to.

2. Celebrating my birthday over and over again- my birthday was on Tuesday but it was rainy and thunderstormed so I ended up just hanging out, having a delicious portabello sandwich at lunch out, and making a Caramel Nut Pound Cake with my Mom, recipe courtesy of my favorite Paula Deen. To properly celebrate, I went into the city (that would be New York) and got to see the “Model as Muse” exhibit at the Met and had lunch at an Upper East Side restaurant, La Houppa. The antipasto was delicious with wonderful creamy Buffalo mozzarella, proscuitto, and fresh salad with the sweetest balsamic vinagrette. The pizza we ordered was just as delicious, a light thin crust with spicy Italian sausage ragu sauce. And for dessert, fried ravioli which was really puff pastry stuffed with chocolate and bananas, fried, with a side of berry sauce and pumpkin gelato. I love food. Tonight I am heading out to my hometown bar, the Ivy, to hang out with my lovely group of best friends. Birthdays are more amazing the more days you celebrate.

3. The Model as Muse exhibit at the Met- okay, this definitely needed its own recognition. It was amazing; by far the best museum exhibit I’ve seen in awhile. If you’re in the NYC area and have the opportunity to go see it, do it! It follows the history of the model chronologically mixing photographs, clothing, videos, and magazine spreads. Each decade has its own room with coordinated lighting, music, and decoration. It was a total immersion and so well done.

4. Giftcards- best invention ever, especially for someone who has no money for new clothes. Specifically mine are for JCrew and Anthropologie, two of my most favorite stores. Did someone say shopping spree?

5. Crushes- you’ve got to love that can’t-stop-thinking-about-him, what-am-I-going-to-wear, absolutely amazing feeling of a new crush. It gets even better when you have several.

That’s all I can think of for this Thursday, though I know I have a lot more to be happy about and thankful for. Alright, now it’s off to celebrate my birthday once again!

joni June 7, 2009

I have a long time love affair with Joni Mitchell and it all started when I was in grade school. Of course I didn’t come across her music on my own. Growing up my mother played music all the time, especially in the afternoons when she was cleaning or reading the New York Times. It varied of course; there was Bruce Springsteen (another favorite from my childhood), Jackson Browne, nameless piano music, sometimes the Beatles. But Joni Mitchell was the one musician she played consistently and always more than one CD. I don’t remember why but I didn’t like the music at first, not that I had any particular music I would have rather listened to, though maybe I was going through my Donna Lewis and Ricky Martin phases. But as I got older I fell in love with her beautiful lyrics and interesting voice; the songs were so beautiful, each in their own way. Before I went away to college, I burned all the Joni Mitchell CDs my Mom owned onto my laptop. Joni made me feel relaxed, reminded me of home, and I always found a new favorite song every time I listened.

This past year I didn’t listen to her at all really. There was one song on a playlist on my iPod, Car on a Hill, that reminded me of my exboyfriend when we were together. But I had stopped listening to her. No wonder my life had gotten so rough; I had forsaken the one person who, through no intention on her part, got me through things. Then last night my Mom played her Blue CD and I was reminded all over again why I love her, her voice and her lyrics. I decided since it’s Sunday and I’m feeling tired and sun-soaked after an afternoon at the beach that I would share some of my favorite lines from her songs. Just listen to Joni Mitchell, she’s absolutely amazing.

 

“I remember that time you told me, you said love is touching souls. Surely you touched mine ’cause part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time.” -Case of You

“I am not some stone commission, like a statue in the park. I am flesh and blood and vision, I am howling in the dark.” -Come in from the Cold

“All good dreamers pass this way some day, hiding behind bottles in dark cafes. Dark cafes, only a cocoon before I get my gorgeous wings and fly away.” -The Last Time I Saw Richard

“Love came to my door, with a sleeping roll and a madman’s soul. He thought for sure I’d seen him dancing up a river in the dark, looking for a woman to court and spark.” -Court and Spark

“I feel like I’m sleeping, can you wake me? You seem to have a broader sensibility. I’m just living on nerves and feelings with a weak and a lazy mind.” -People’s Parties

“It always seems so righteous at the start, when there’s so much laughter, when there’s so much spark. When there’s so much sweetness in the dark.” -Car on a Hill

“But I know my needs, my sweet tumbleweed. I need more quiet times, by a river flowing, you and me, deep kisses, and the sun going down.” -Lesson in Survival

“It’s the nature of the race, it’s the unknown child, so sweet and wild, it’s youth, it’s too good to waste.” -Blonde in the Bleachers

“Young love was kissing under bridges, kissing in cars, kissing in cafes. And we were walking down main street, kisses like bright flags hung on holidays. In France they kiss on main street, amour, Mama, not some cheap display.” -In France They Kiss on Main Street

“Moons and Junes and ferris wheels, that dizzy dancing way you feel as every fairy tale comes real: I’ve looked at love that way. But now it’s just another show, you leave ‘em laughing when you go. And if you care, don’t let ‘em know, don’t give yourself away.” -Both Sides Now

“When you dig down deep, you lose good sleep and it makes you heavy company. I will always love you, hands alike, magnet and iron, the souls.” -Lesson in Survival

b-day June 6, 2009

My birthday is just three days away. It’s not a big one, not at all; I’m only turning 22. Last year’s birthday should have been big, the big 2-1 where I could finally legally sit at a bar and drink a refreshing margarita. Unfortunately it happened to be my first day of work in a place where I knew no one. My celebration did not include shots and well-wishers buying me drinks at the bar but I did make sure it included at least one margarita. The fun didn’t happen until later that week but that’s whole other story for another time.

I feel kind of so-so about this birthday; oddly, I’m not particularly excited. I don’t know what this attitude could mean but at least it’s taking the stress of planning birthday celebrations away. I think I’ll probably go into New York for the day, visit the museum where one day I will hopefully hold a position (that would be the Met in case you didn’t know), settle for a casual lunch, drinks with Mom and some friends, and maybe a cupcake from my favorite ice cream/cupcake shop in town. Is there something wrong with me? Shouldn’t I want a big celebration with drinking and presents and craziness? Am I shriveled up old woman before I know it? I promise at least one birthday margarita, preferably a big one, so the birthday doesn’t pass unnoticed.

Though I have forgone planning a big celebration, I have created my very own birthday tradition. This new tradition is buying myself a birthday present. Just a lovely reminder from me, to me about how fantastic I am for being born. It was kind of fun because I knew exactly what I wanted: the third season of Friday Night Lights. It is the next best thing to having Taylor Kitsch show up at my front door, which I wish I could make happen for my 22nd birthday.

m-i-s-s-issippi June 4, 2009

I am living up to my promise to post two entries today. Not that anyone cares if I write anything but still, I thought I might work on my follow-through. The trick though is figuring out what I want to say.

When do you stop missing someone? This is the thought that’s been going through my head for the past week. When do you finally give up and let go of that person? I hate doing that, no matter who the person is and the reason we aren’t talking. When I make friends, I don’t want to lose them. People do drift apart because of changes, moving for jobs, leaving for school, changing personalities, any number of reasons. I have lost friends because of all of those things but I never really forget that person completely; I have a good memory. Sometimes I regret losing that person and when it happens now, it’s really unforgivable simply given the amount of technology that can connect people to one another. With those people I get closest to, those are the people I never want to lose and it hurts me when I do, for some reason or another.

This leads me around to guys, who are either the toughest or easiest to let go. I always have a hard time with break-ups because I can’t just forget all the reasons that person is wonderful. Wow, I really am naive and trusting. But there are some of them who I’ve had a few months, sometimes only weeks and then I realize that it’s okay, they aren’t meant for me. It’s not like I let go, it’s more like a peace. But then there are some of them that I wish I could still talk to. Those are the guys that above everything else were my friends. And I am terrible at letting go of friends, as I’ve already explained.

I wish I knew when you stopped missing someone, as if there were a timetable for this kind of thing. Because I know what’s right, don’t want to do it, but I’m doing it anyway. I wish I could fix everything. Maybe if I let go of that need to fix it, to make it right, that’s when the missing stops. I need it to soon because it’s taking up too much space in my heart.

final thoughts on rome June 4, 2009

I finally got all of my Rome diary posted! I figured I would do a little reflection on the trip because it was just such a fabulous one. Also because I feel like I need to make more than one post since I have been neglecting blogging though I promised I would be better at it. 

I think if someone asked me to, I would live in Rome. I love cities but I really loved Rome, almost on par with Paris (Paris only wins by a small margin because I speak the language there, though I am seriously considering Italian lessons this fall). It’s an accessible city with wonderful food, friendly people, and wonderful art and history. I liked the neighborhoods and that you could pretty much walk everywhere, though it did cause my feet to ache. Mom is already planning a return trip with only a little worry that we won’t have enough to see. I don’t think that’s the case with Rome at all. Everywhere you go, there are small things to discover all over the city. We would walk down a tiny via and then walk out and there would be church with Raphael frescoes or Bernini sculptures. And it’s not just the art of course but there are all sorts of food, markets, and shopping to discover. 

Rome also made me reflect on the way I want to live in the future. I’m not sure if it’s possible in the U.S. outside of New York City but I want to live in a city where everything I need is easily accessible. Instead of buying a ton of groceries once a week, I want to be able to walk over to my local market and pick up what I need to make dinner that night, or preferably to have a little farmers’ market not too far away. I want to be able to walk to church, the library, work, and have all sorts of entertainment right outside my door. That’s not the way we live in the U.S. with all of our suburbs and cars. I want the convenience of having everything right there, fresh and at your fingertips, just like in Rome. This might necessitate a move overseas.

And lastly, Rome made me want to take someone there. I loved being with my Mom; we always have so much fun together. But now that I’m older I want to share my experiences with someone in a different way. Rome was pretty romantic, with the food and decadent art and just the overall feeling. I love to share my life with everyone because I love all the different things about life. I feel like people should be just excited about all these things I discover. That gets multipled ten times whenever I travel somewhere. I want to take someone to Rome and show them the birds over the Wedding Cake at night and explain what makes Bernini sculptures so amazing in my eyes. That’s all I want.

“Each, in its own way, was unforgettable. It would be difficult to- Rome! By all means, Rome. I will cherish my visit here in memory as long as I live. ” -Princess Ann, Roman Holiday